Thursday, 04 June 2020
I think I use to measure time by a year or a month, during these days of social distancing my perspective of time has changed. Time feels quicker yet drawn out, and things can change by the day, or even the hour. Space and alone time have felt like eternity when there is no end date in sight. Is it the need of control, to know the outcome, or is it the need to have purpose or routine or security again?
I like to think I’ve been an optimist for most of my life. When one door closes another door opens, Love over Fear, Cup Half Full outlook, this is happening FOR me not TO me. All positive perspective not driven by fear. But there are days or hours if you will that the negative feels like it outweighs the positive and during those times “allowing” or “giving myself permission” to have those moments where I feel insecure, unhappy, scared, not the best version of myself. The reason I use the dialogue “allowing” or “permission” is from years of not forgiving myself for falling off track. With my 3rd battle of depression I was angry at myself for not being “perfect” and how could I let myself “get like that”. I had so much guilt, so much blame. Some of those feelings (along with other wounds) have resurfaced during these social distancing times. But looking back on those dark times, that was just one chapter, or 3 years (however you wish to measure time) of my whole life.
With the uncertainty it can feel like a lifetime.
I’m grateful for all the “time” or experiences before social distancing. Grateful I experienced India back in October and to think traveling will not be the same next time I board a plane, grateful for my last family gathering in February literally 2 weeks before we temporarily closed our studio doors, grateful for celebrating my 30th birthday with friends, grateful for our 1 year studio anniversary, all of these gatherings, gifts, and more.
So the days I start going to the negative I ask myself what am I grateful for?